ParentSurvivors.com…

Another year has passed. Our life has moved on but the shadow of the death of our daughter and the reasons for it have never left us.

We’ve since found out other information about events that took place a week before she died – I expect we’ll keep finding out things about those last days of her life.

But still the root cause was what happened to her as a child. She never got over it.

Tonight in the news was a report that sex offenders had been allowed to be near, or living with, children over the past few years. Around 700 children were exposed to these offenders.

There are reasons and excuses why this has happened and the police have said ‘sorry’ but it shouldn’t end there.   I don’t know what will transpire and how long this story will remain in the news but I can tell you this:   Long after the story has been allowed to disappear the effects of those children who were abused during the time of this bungle will continue on.

The children may be small now but they will become teenagers and then adults in the years to come.  And then any of the following will happen:

• They may sleep around not caring about themselves or their bodies because they’re already convinced they are worth nothing.
• They may take up drugs or drinking and anything can happen as a result of that – more abuse, prostitution, unwanted pregnancies, illnesses and diseases, fighting, robbery, injuries, death.
• They may play around with the idea of killing themselves for some time – just as our daughter did.
• They might get married or live with someone but end up being an abuser themselves of any children that come into that relationship.
• They could go through several marriages or broken relationships.
• They may become gay or homosexual because they no longer trust the other sex.
• They might or could do anything years after the abuse has occured by a sex offender.

And yet those who have allowed it to happen, because they didn’t take sufficient care, will continue on with their lives completely oblivious to the chaos that has been caused in other people’s lives.

Because when a child has been abused it’s not just their life that is touched and damaged – it’s the lives of their family (and often the extended family too), their friends and anyone at all who has a part in their lives. Many won’t understand why that person (once the young child who was abused) behaves or reacts the way they do.

And it doesn’t stop there. When that young person, now a teenager or adult, chooses to do things that affects their family and friends there’s a ripple that spreads far and wide.  Think of our family and the effects of the death of our daughter (and sister and niece and granddaughter, etc) through suicide because she could no longer cope with what was going on inside her head.

It’s been almost two years and my husband still experiences depression and I do too.  This whole thing has affected our whole family. Another daughter has extreme mood swings and depression, another has blocked memories of her life as a child because of what happened.

Our family will never be normal again and while we have begun to laugh, and enjoy life in many ways, we still have this shadow hanging over us.  Our family has been touched by something no family should ever experience.

By the way – the police STILL have done nothing about my dad and everytime I hear on the news that a new paedophile ring has been smashed my ears prick up to hear if he’s been one of the people caught. I wish he were.

Where does the buck stop?

It’s nearly a year since our daughter took her life. Nothing has changed. Dad remains free and uncharged but I have heard from my brother that he has become a bitter man. What’s he got to be bitter about? That we say he did what he did? That mum has disowned me and won’t believe me and says we’re lying?  He deserves to lose his family connections.  He betrayed me, his daughter, in the worst possible way.  His promise of loving me and protecting me as I grew up has been thrown away and destroyed.

I’ve lost my parents and my family are split up.  I live in a different state to my sisters and brother and we all live in different states to our parents.  I wonder if somehow that’s because of what’s taken place?  To me it seems like an odd sense of justice.
We did have the police investigating for sometime and tracking down children we know who have stayed overnight at mum and dad’s but no-one has anything to say.  We also got the police to track down an old schoolfriend whom we know always used to come visit our dad when we were young because she had said her dad didn’t understand her.

I look back now and see the clinging this girl did to our dad and wonder why kind of relationship he had with her?  The police have reported back that this now grown woman has little memory of her childhood, presumably blocked because of something that happened between her dad and her.  I can’t help thinking in reality it was because of what my dad may have done to her.  Will we ever know?

My husband goes to counselling regularly, I have been now and then and have female friends I talk to and cry with.  One of our daughters is struggling and has begun to see a counsellor. The others seem to be getting on with their lives and living away from home and not under our roof means they see nothing of what their parents have struggled with.

How I pray for justice for our lost daughter. How much I want my father charged and the sin he’s committed acknowledged and brought out in the open.  Is there no-one who can help us?

Although dad has no contact with our daughters these days the damage he did all those years ago lingers on.

We’ve now had confirmation that our daughter committed suicide because of what dad did.  She’d shared much more information with her boyfriend of many years than she ever had with anyone else. She refused to go to counselling and said she wouldn’t press charges. How I wish she did.

Dad raped her as a child on more than one occasion but the police can do nothing because the information given by us, or her boyfriend is considered ‘hearsay’.  They need a statement from someone who has been affected by my father so they can question him and charge him, if considered appropriate to do so.  What the ???   Our daughter dies because of what he did to her all those years ago and we can do nothing to get him charged?  Our only hope is if one of our other daughters will agree to speak up or if another child comes forward as he’s sure to have done this to others too.  I’ve heard it said they don’t stop, they just keep committing this awful crime.

I’ve since discovered that dad is on Facebook and I have contacted the authorities there to advise them as I can’t see his connections and I have no idea if he’s connected with children or not.

To me, the father I grew up with and loved died many years ago and was replaced with this monster. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him or grieve his death but instead woke up one day to find out he’s been replaced by someone I don’t know.

Currently I’m hoping to find a parent lobby group in Australia that we can join.  There needs to be something done to those pedophiles who escape the system and the punishment they deserve because their actions go undetected for so long and because many are so unwilling to come forward and make statements later in their adult years.  What justice is there for parents of these victims?

How I wish we knew what had taken place whilst our girls were still underage so, as parents, we were in a position to do something about it. Now, as adults, we have to wait for them to come forward and this is why I write anonymously so I don’t expose the anguish, and hurt our girls have suffered in silence until they themselves are ready to go public.

pedophile, incest, child sexual abuse, rape, parent lobby group, sexual abuse victim

My heart breaks to share this here but our daughter who broke up with her boyfriend last Christmas and had the drinking problem in April is gone.  She took her life in September and left no note, and no indication that anything was wrong.  By all intents and purposes she seemed happy and getting her life on track. She had a great job with excellent pay, was living the corporate life, had lots of friends and a busy social life and was due to fly overseas for a 5 week holiday only a week later.

It has been 3 weeks now and we still don’t know why she did this.  What tipped her over the edge?

Once again my husband and I are going through intense periods of anger (how could she do this to us?, who told her how to do that?  who is responsible?) and extreme grief and pain.  Why didn’t we see any signs?  How could we have stopped this? What did we do wrong?

Whilst we know in our heads the answers to some of these questions our hearts just won’t believe the answers.  We’re told that often those who take this action do not let on and appear happy on the outside to all.

We cannot help but think that the path she took in her early teen years, shortly after learning that what her grandfather did was very wrong, has led to this result with disastrous consequences.  Will we ever feel happy again?  Will life ever feel normal again?  It doesn’t feel like it will.

I haven’t posted here for some time. It’s never far from my mind but I manage to keep it behind me… most of the time.

Our girls have been getting on with their lives for the most part, but periodically things come out. One has broken up with a boyfriend and we thought that this was at her instigation and she was happy but a few weeks ago she had a night out with workmates, too much to drink, and it all came flooding back to her. She did some things she would never normally do if she was sober – it scared both her father and me. We can thank God that it all turned out ok and she was protected.

Another daughter has gone back to counselling but she doesn’t share what about. Can’t help wondering if it’s all about this. She’s in her mid 20s, never had a boyfriend and her dad is the only male she’ll come close to.  Doing her studies, trying to get work, it’s probably all crowding in on her.

And the third seems happy in her work and social life but won’t let any guys get close. She has a mouth that tends to scare guys off – she can give back as good as they give and lots more. It will have to be a very caring, and patient man who captures her heart. She jokes about it all but underneath I can’t help thinking my father is responsible for this.

Our girls should have had normal happy teenage lives and in regular circumstances they should all have happy relationships too by now. Our other two daughters (one older, one younger) are both married and happy… and were not touched by my father.  Kind of makes you think, doesn’t it?

Recent events with a group I belong to online has indicated someone like my father has been hanging around the group. It immediately conjours up all sorts of ideas and thoughts amongst others as the word gets around and immediately I begin to view every male on the list as suspicious. I know I shouldn’t but can’t help it. It’s the same when I’m out in the street and see older men walking or shuffling along – someone who could be in the same age group as my dad. I wonder if their grandkids were safe with them as my kids should have been with their’s.