I was reading this article and there is very little said about the mother or victim, it’s mainly about the perpetrator.  However, what the mother of the victim said is very true. When a child has been molested it is a life sentence.  We know that as much as any parent whose child or children have been damaged by a paedophile.

For us it was a death sentence for one daughter. She could not live with what my father, her grandfather, did to her. She was the one that was touched and damaged the most.  But our other two daughters are also damaged and will be for the rest of their lives. One has chosen to marry another woman because she cannot bear the thought of a man touching her. She is happy with her life but it also means she may never have any children. The other wouldn’t wear dresses at all while she was growing up. It never occurred to us why. We just thought of her as a tomboy, as many girls can be.  But recently she shared with me that it was the man she fell in love with who convinced her to start wearing dresses and skirts again. She told me why she wouldn’t wear them.  This was something she’d never shared before. Thankfully she has put the past behind her, mostly, but of course there is still a part of her life that is cautious, and she has good reason for it.

While the article linked above indicates the perpetrator may not have full knowledge of what he’s done, I do hope that his mother is no longer allowed to run the After School Club she was running, otherwise that just makes a mockery of it all. Children need to be protected.  Once they’re damaged there is no way to permanently fix and repair that damage. It stays with them for life and is behind almost every decision they make in life. That is… if they keep on living. Some choose to do what one of our daughters did, and leave this life.

It’s happened and my father has passed away.  I chose not to go to the funeral. The father I knew and loved as a child died years ago. However, I was unprepared for the enormous sense of grief and loss I would experience as a result of his death. No more possibility of acknowledgement of what he’d done, being charged and sentenced for what he’d done, or saying sorry.  From all accounts he’d become a bitter man as my brother did have occasion to speak to him now and then.  I can only say that dad only had himself to blame. He made those choices and, as a result, lost the opportunity to see his granddaughters (and other grandchildren) grow up, or be a part of his life. He never even got to see his great grandson.

A lot of memories have come rushing to the front and even our daughters are coming out with stuff they hadn’t told us before.  Likewise my brother has told me of other events I didn’t know of, including trying to get mum to leave dad about three years ago. She refused. They’d been married almost 56 years. A long time to be with someone.  Mum wouldn’t have known where to go, what to do, or how to start a new life, but now she will need to. I believe she’s planning to shift interstate to live near both my sisters.  Both of which seemed to be unaffected by my father’s actions and, I feel, probably don’t believe our accusations.

In talking to my brother once again, and learning more about his childhood (he was 12 when I left home) I find that dad was responsible for a lot of grief in his life too.  I do remember that dad left a lot of porn magazines lying around when I was just 15 or 16. I used to hide them under other things on the table where he left them in the kitchen.  I didn’t want my younger siblings seeing them. The images in the mags were quite explicit. It’s where I learnt a lot about sexual activity rather than through my own exploration with a loving partner when I was older. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have done to an 8 or 9 year old boy in seeing those images.

What I can’t understand is why mum let dad do that. Why did she not hide the magazines or make him keep them in their bedroom?  What was she thinking? I didn’t know that what they’d done was wrong and it’s really only just hitting me now, some 40 years later.  Even now, if our grown daughters are in our home with their husbands or partners, we are careful what we might be watching on TV. There’s something embarrassing and intimate about watching a couple in the act of lovemaking or sexual play that shouldn’t be a shared experience with others in viewing, especially your own children, irrespective of their age.

I look back now and am starting to remember other things, things that might have forewarned me about dad’s direction of thinking and possible actions… but I just didn’t know. I didn’t realise, I didn’t understand. It was beyond my comprehension to realise that my dad was a pedophile.  I didn’t even know what one was till just over ten years ago. It never occurred to me that men would prefer to be sexually active with children.

If you are living with a man, married to him, or regularly in his company, and particularly if you have young children, be always on your guard. It doesn’t matter how much you love that man and trust him, be on your guard.  Protect the children. Protect your man. Never leave him in a situation where he may do something that can be misconstrued or might lead to other activities that should not occur. Do not let him leave pornographic or other material around that children might view.  Do not let the children use his computer if there’s any chance that material of that nature is saved on the computer. And encourage your children as they grow older, to always dress appropriately when moving around the house, as well as when they leave home.  It’s one thing for a father to admire how his daughter is growing into a beautiful young woman, it’s another if he makes inappropriate comments about how their bodies are developing, as my father did when we were in our teens.

If you protect your man then he won’t be accused later in life and you won’t be left in a position of having to defend him or yourself, or in a quandary about where your loyalties lie. The children should always be protected and this will often mean we need to protect our men too.  I really wish my mum had. Today’s story might have been very different otherwise.

Note:  It was suggested to me I might be tarring all men with the same brush. That is not my intent. But I do want you, the reader, to be vigilant. If you see any of the above signs I’ve mentioned in your home then please let these be warning signs that you might need to be protective of your children and your husband or partner. Even in a friend’s home when it comes to allowing your children to stay there. I’m not saying all men are pedophiles. But I am saying that men can succumb to sexual temptations easily, as a result of things they’ve been exposed to in their growing up or through other activities. And with all that we see on TV and in the movies these days, it’s easy to become numb to the effects of things we once considered shouldn’t be for public viewing.

This message (below my post) came in today and it is something that weighs with me. I don’t hold a grudge over a lot of people but there is one in particular I find it really hard to forgive. Not just for myself but also for my husband and family.

That person is my father and if you have read this site you’ll know the story. My dad is a paedophile and damaged the lives of 3 of our daughters, resulting in one committing suicide 4 years ago (this month).  We know he would have hurt other children too but as yet, it hasn’t come to light how many or how much.

He has always denied it and my mother feels we are lying but we have plenty of proof that this did take place when our girls were young, except we did not learn of it till they were of age and we were not able to go in to bat for them with the local authorities as a result.  The daughter who died refused to take it to the police and told us she’d put it behind her (even though we always thought that was not the case), another daughter has received healing through prayer and moved on and her mind seems to have little memory of that time, the third has mental health problems and we don’t want to ask her to talk to the police for fear of pushing her over the edge.  My dad has emphysema and is dying. He lives with an oxygen bottle 16 hours a day mum tells me.  We email only very occasionally, usually when I need to know some family medical history.

How do I get over this hurt of what he did to our girls and our family?

My husband would kill him (I really do believe that) if he came in contact with my dad and I’m grateful we live in a different state and neither my dad nor my husband are up to long journeys because of ill health and physical injury.  I would be carrying around one potato (read below to understand this) that wouldn’t appear too heavy for a long time but at some stage it would begin to rot and stink.  It probably does already.

I know when my dad dies I’m going to be in a quandary. Do I go to say my goodbyes and be there for mum, even though I don’t know that I really want to? Do I stay home with my husband who will be very angry and upset if I choose to go?

It’s a difficult dilemma to be in. But this message still speaks to me.

 

Subject: The Word For Today : Seek Reconciliation

‘…Go and be reconciled’ Matthew 5:24 NIV

Sometimes the only way to get over your hurt feelings is to seek reconciliation. And if you are willing, God will help you do it.

Dinah Craik wrote: ‘Oh…the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.’

A college professor who was teaching on the high cost of unforgiveness asked each of her students to bring a sack of potatoes to class. For each person they refused to forgive, they had to select a potato and write the date on it beside that person’s name. Then for a month, without fail, they had to carry that sack of potatoes with them everywhere they went.

After lugging those sacks around for a while each student began to recognise how much weight they were carrying; the amount of energy it took to focus on their bag; and that they had to be careful not to leave it in the wrong place. Eventually, as the potatoes began to rot and stink, they realised that getting rid of them was the only smart thing to do.

Jesus said, ‘…If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not…’ (John 20:23 NIV)

What happens to them? Good question! How would you like God to forgive you in the same way you forgive others? If that thought makes you uncomfortable, do something about it!

SoulFood: 2 Chron 22-24, Luke 20:27-40, Ps 27, Pr 20:5-6

And why would I post about that here? Because it brings home to me, once again, that one day my own father will also pass away. I have no idea what I might feel on that day.  Relief, pain, hurt, anger, sadness, grief, something else?  Perhaps all of the above?

My father is in his late 70s and I’m in my mid 50s.  The daughter we lost was only 24 when she left this world because of things my father did to her when she was only 10 years old.

I wish that when his time comes I could feel the love and sadness a daughter would normally feel for the father she has loved for many years, but that love has been replaced by hurt and anger and disgust for what he has become.  How do the daughters of other paedophiles feel when their dad passes on?  I hate even the fact that I’m the daughter of one.

If your father is one too I encourage you to share your feelings here.  To help me, and to help others.

It’s been over 3 years now since our beloved daughter took her life.  We’ve learnt to laugh again, and enjoy life, although the past 3 years have not been easy.  We’ve thrown ourselves into hobbies that keep us busy, give us exercise and allows us time alone, as well as mixing and mingling with others.

Some friends have drifted away – perhaps they couldn’t cope with what we were going through. We’ve made new friends who seem to genuinely care for us and are here for us when we have a need.

Our other daughters have gotten on with their lives and we have a grandchild now who continues to be a delight to us.  Still the sadness is with us. Our lost daughter will never marry or give us grandchildren and sometimes we grieve for that.

My father remains free but I have no contact with him or mum.  I do know he’s ill from emphysema(or is it enphacema?) which restricts him from doing much. Good, I hope that means children are now safe if they’re near him, but I doubt it. I hope and pray that there aren’t kids going to their home anymore.  I have warned my mum in the past she shouldn’t be letting this happen. Knowing that all of their children (my sisters, brother and I) have left the state for varying reasons and they only have two grownup grandsons in their state, they are probably feeling very lonely.  Dad should have thought about what the consequences may have been because of his actions.

I hear my friends talk about their elderly parents and the care they give and the love they have for them and sometimes I find it very hard not to cry.  I want very much for my life to be normal and for me to be caring for elderly parents too, but that’s not to be.  We have a huge chasm between us and unless dad can acknowledge what he’s done and ask for forgiveness, then I doubt anything will ever change. If he went to jail now, he’d die in there.

I do not know what I’ll do when the time comes for him to go.  Should I go? Should I be there to support mum?

I know my husband doesn’t want me to go.  I really don’t know how I’m going to feel. Relief? Release? Anger?  Sadness? Grief?  Who knows?  Dad, why did you steal our daughters’ innocence?  And why did you betray our trust in the worst possible way? I have no idea.  I only wish it had never happened, or that my husband and I could have seen all those years ago what was taking place and put a stop to it.

I hope my writings here are helping others in some way, even if just to find out they’re not alone in their grief and sorrow.