Well, it’s a few more weeks down the track now. I’m mainly over being constantly teary. After I’d written my mother a couple of letters (a second in answer to her answer to my first) I also spoke to other daughters in our family who we believed had not been touched by their grandfather. And we were right in that they hadn’t. We weighed up all the evidence and timing and came to the conclusion that the eldest one was too old in the year he abused our other daughters, and she confirmed to me that she would have come tell us – as I know she would have. There is value in children coming to ‘tell tales’ – I just wish one of the others had back then. The other was too young at that stage. Both were in shock when we told them, and both have handled it in different ways. We had to make sure for the first couple of weeks that they were ok – one wanted to talk all the time (and I know how she feels) and the other didn’t really want to discuss it anymore, but has been told we’re here if ever she has the need.

We made arrangements through our church for family counselling to be available if ever there comes a time when the girls want to get together and tell us more about what took place. We know we don’t know everything, but we know enough, and to know the girls are telling the truth.

I’ve been able to get back into my work and focus better now, but it took me many weeks – I felt a bit like I’d been out of circulation for nearly three months and those with whom I work must surely be wondering what’s up with me, but how can I possibly tell them? And even if I felt I could, I wouldn’t – our daughters have the right to their privacy and until such time they decide to go public with what’s happened (and that might be never), then I really don’t have the right to expose what happened to them. So, I’ve also had to be choosy who I speak with, in working through my own grief and anger – although it’s mainly grief now.

Why grief? All sorts of reasons, but I guess mainly because I’ve lost the father I thought I had. He is no longer the loving man or hero I had in my growing up – he’s now someone I don’t know anymore and I don’t know that I could ever look him in the eye again without hearing our girls words in my head of what he did to them. And I feel a lot of sorrow too – I always thought I’d had a ‘normal’ family upbringing, but now it’s been tarnished.

My husband and I have been undergoing a course over the past few weeks through the church, which has had an element of ‘cleansing’ to it and this has helped considerably. The timing for this was impeccable.

My husband and I began to do research on the web to find out how others coped with this devastating news of lives damaged by someone who thought they could do whatever they wanted, to whomever they wanted. Whilst we found a fair amount of information about symptoms of behaviour and how to help a child who has been sexually abused, it soon became blatantly obvious that there is very little help out there for parents of the victims. Who do they go to for advice, for help to deal with what they’re experiencing and feeling?

Slowly, through asking questions of people we trusted and through web research, we began to find a small number of places that had information. I contacted a local agency to see if there was a parent support group – either face-to-face meetings or an online forum, but they told me they knew of nothing like that. That I could come in and see a counsellor if I wanted, or phone one, but no parent support groups. I was devastated to learn this – I just needed to connect with other people and learn how they coped. That’s why I started this blog – partly as therapy for myself, and partly to give others like us, a place to connect. I do have a counsellor through my church, and my husband and I have both been for sessions with our pastor – like us, the pastor has also been touched by this devastating thing in their family and understood what we were experiencing. But, the pastor had to admit they knew of no group for supporting parents either. The focus is entirely on helping the kids. However if the kids are to get the best care they can, surely the parents need help too in aiding their children, giving them love and care, all the whilst coping with their own emotions as well?

We learnt that the behaviour of our girls during their teen years were ‘normal’ for children who had suffered sexual abuse. It was a shock to realise we didn’t even guess, we didn’t know – we had nothing to compare with, so how could we?

We went through feelings of extreme shock, anger, (and I mean extreme anger), despair, and so many other feelings. I couldn’t stop crying for weeks. There were some days when I felt strong and other days when I couldn’t talk to anyone without bursting into tears. I was constantly telling people I wasn’t feeling well – how do you tell them about something like this? And I didn’t want to expose the knowledge of what had happened to our girls – they deserve their right to privacy and just wanting to live their lives as normally as possible.

Mum was upset and angry, which was to be expected I suppose. She still hasn’t accepted that dad has done anything wrong and cannot understand why the girls would ‘point their finger’ at him. I sent her information about counselling and what the grandmother can expect might happen. I asked her not to throw it away but to keep it – whether or not she has is another matter. I also wrote to my siblings as I felt it important they knew what we’d been through, in case their own children had demonstrated similar symptoms of behaviour. So far, we’ve been told of one child who has and this sickens us. This child is a male and he denies anything has happened to him but we wonder if perhaps our dad showed him pictures or talked to him – rather than touched him. Who knows? But it’s obvious something has occurred and only time will tell.

Discussions via email and over the phone with two of my siblings soon revealed other information I’d not been aware of and whilst neither had information that was as devastating as mine, none-the-less, what they had to tell served only as confirmation of what we already knew. Plus it also meant they weren’t surprised or in shock when given the information I had to share with them.

I could have kept quiet but all our children have now reached child-bearing age, and I’d hate for their kids to be subjected to what our own daughters have experienced. My father is ageing and is unwell, however, what he did required very little strength on his part – he was doing things to young innocent children who had no idea that what he was doing was wrong. They trusted and loved him. They played with him. They sat on his lap. They hugged him and ran to him whenever they saw him. That’s how children should be with their grandfathers – loving, feeling loved and being unafraid.

It’s not till later, when they are in high school and taking sex education and health ed. classes that they learn what has been done. By then it is too late. I just thank God that our girls didn’t do drugs, and didn’t commit suicide, but we know of parents who have children who have gone down these paths, for whatever reason in their lives, and although the pain of what we’re going through is tremendous, the hurt and suffering these parents go through must, in some ways, be even greater.

child abuse, sexual abuse, non-offending parents, surviving abuse

Whilst we had a major family event coming up very soon, my parents had been asked not to come over – this was so hard to do. They are my parents, but my children are also very important to me and they are the ones I live with on a daily basis. I had to protect them and let them know that I believed them. I still didn’t know the specifics of what had taken place and had asked my dad in a letter if he could put any light on it, but he told me that he didn’t know. However, he and mum agreed it was best they didn’t come over. I knew enough to know that the fear one of our daughters demonstrated was very real and I was also in fear – of what might be said to my father in front of company, visitors, or at the family event. I became a nervous wreck and for the first time in my life, was experiencing what I imagine to be close to a nervous breakdown and extreme depression. I’m normally a happy, optimistic, personality – this new person in me was a total stranger and I didn’t know how to deal with her.

A few nights before the family event my husband took one of his daughters out to chat to her about the events of 12 years past. She confirmed our worst fears – that she had been sexually abused by my father. She gave a description of what took place in a detached manner. She explained she’d dealt with it and it was in the past. Her realisation that what took place was wrong came to her whilst doing sex education classes at high school about 3 years later but she never felt she could tell us because it was my father. She also confirmed that other daughters had been involved – or at least she was pretty sure that was the case because of things they’d said to her and the fact that they hadn’t wanted to be near their grandfather whilst in their teens.

My heart plummeted and I fell into a further state of depression. The day before the family event, I took out my own daughter on a drive – the one that the other girls said had been involved – and asked her if anything had ever happened many years ago. She just sat there, tears streaming down her face and told me of memories she had. A description which matched that of her step-sister and I told her she didn’t need to tell me anymore if she didn’t wish to. I knew the girls hadn’t discussed the matter amongst themselves – it’s not really a topic you talk about or compare notes on, is it?

We had to wait for the family event to pass before we could do much else. Each day dragged by and my mind was filled with the letter I knew I had to write to my mother, once I had confirmed what really took place. It was trying to stay normal for visitors, family and friends, when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry my heart out, and go to sleep just to get away from it all. The time couldn’t pass quick enough for me.

With a heavy heart I wrote a long letter to my mother, outlining the information we’d been given. My husband and I did research on the web and it soon became obvious that there was very little available to help parents of the victims – lots on how to help the children, what signs to look for, who to report it to, but very little on what to expect in the way of your own feelings, responses, and who you could go to for help in dealing with it. This is why I’m writing this – partly as self-therapy as writing helps me get it out of my system, but also I’m hoping this journal will help other parents who have to travel this path through no choice of their own. What parent would wish this upon their child? And how do you cope with the knowledge that your own father is this monster and not the loving person you thought he was?

If you are a parent who has been through this, I encourage you to please add comment to this blog, give us web references of places you know we could link to, that would help, and share with us your experiences, if you can. You don’t have to identify yourself or your children, feel free to use a fake name and set up an email address that won’t identify yourself if you need to. Just please feel you can share here to help others.