My husband and I began to do research on the web to find out how others coped with this devastating news of lives damaged by someone who thought they could do whatever they wanted, to whomever they wanted. Whilst we found a fair amount of information about symptoms of behaviour and how to help a child who has been sexually abused, it soon became blatantly obvious that there is very little help out there for parents of the victims. Who do they go to for advice, for help to deal with what they’re experiencing and feeling?

Slowly, through asking questions of people we trusted and through web research, we began to find a small number of places that had information. I contacted a local agency to see if there was a parent support group – either face-to-face meetings or an online forum, but they told me they knew of nothing like that. That I could come in and see a counsellor if I wanted, or phone one, but no parent support groups. I was devastated to learn this – I just needed to connect with other people and learn how they coped. That’s why I started this blog – partly as therapy for myself, and partly to give others like us, a place to connect. I do have a counsellor through my church, and my husband and I have both been for sessions with our pastor – like us, the pastor has also been touched by this devastating thing in their family and understood what we were experiencing. But, the pastor had to admit they knew of no group for supporting parents either. The focus is entirely on helping the kids. However if the kids are to get the best care they can, surely the parents need help too in aiding their children, giving them love and care, all the whilst coping with their own emotions as well?

We learnt that the behaviour of our girls during their teen years were ‘normal’ for children who had suffered sexual abuse. It was a shock to realise we didn’t even guess, we didn’t know – we had nothing to compare with, so how could we?

We went through feelings of extreme shock, anger, (and I mean extreme anger), despair, and so many other feelings. I couldn’t stop crying for weeks. There were some days when I felt strong and other days when I couldn’t talk to anyone without bursting into tears. I was constantly telling people I wasn’t feeling well – how do you tell them about something like this? And I didn’t want to expose the knowledge of what had happened to our girls – they deserve their right to privacy and just wanting to live their lives as normally as possible.

Mum was upset and angry, which was to be expected I suppose. She still hasn’t accepted that dad has done anything wrong and cannot understand why the girls would ‘point their finger’ at him. I sent her information about counselling and what the grandmother can expect might happen. I asked her not to throw it away but to keep it – whether or not she has is another matter. I also wrote to my siblings as I felt it important they knew what we’d been through, in case their own children had demonstrated similar symptoms of behaviour. So far, we’ve been told of one child who has and this sickens us. This child is a male and he denies anything has happened to him but we wonder if perhaps our dad showed him pictures or talked to him – rather than touched him. Who knows? But it’s obvious something has occurred and only time will tell.

Discussions via email and over the phone with two of my siblings soon revealed other information I’d not been aware of and whilst neither had information that was as devastating as mine, none-the-less, what they had to tell served only as confirmation of what we already knew. Plus it also meant they weren’t surprised or in shock when given the information I had to share with them.

I could have kept quiet but all our children have now reached child-bearing age, and I’d hate for their kids to be subjected to what our own daughters have experienced. My father is ageing and is unwell, however, what he did required very little strength on his part – he was doing things to young innocent children who had no idea that what he was doing was wrong. They trusted and loved him. They played with him. They sat on his lap. They hugged him and ran to him whenever they saw him. That’s how children should be with their grandfathers – loving, feeling loved and being unafraid.

It’s not till later, when they are in high school and taking sex education and health ed. classes that they learn what has been done. By then it is too late. I just thank God that our girls didn’t do drugs, and didn’t commit suicide, but we know of parents who have children who have gone down these paths, for whatever reason in their lives, and although the pain of what we’re going through is tremendous, the hurt and suffering these parents go through must, in some ways, be even greater.

child abuse, sexual abuse, non-offending parents, surviving abuse

This entry was posted on Monday, November 6th, 2006 at 6:23 am and is filed under Our Experience. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.