9. Milestones
Sunday, March 18th, 2007It was dad’s birthday last Friday. Part of me wanted to ring him but how could I wish him a happy birthday? There’s nothing happy about it at all - not for me, and not for my girls. So I never rang him and just let the day pass. I didn’t even mention it was his birthday to the family but my eldest daughter did SMS me because she had remembered and I expect she would have called him - she was one daughter he didn’t touch.
It’s Sunday and my mum’s normal weekly letter hasn’t arrived. It could be for all sorts of reasons - problems with their computer again or their internet connection, but it’s just possible dad doesn’t want to send it for mum because I didn’t make contact last week for his birthday. Who knows? So hard to know what to do. Part of me knows I should be doing something about forgiveness, especially with my beliefs, but the trust that he broke all those years ago when my husband and I thought that our daughters would be safe with him is still very hard to take. And the knowledge of what he did is still so raw and new, it’s only been a few months. I probably should go back and see the counsellor - I hate having this thing oscillating inside my head, and not knowing what to do all the time. How do others deal with this?