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It’s been over 3 years now since our beloved daughter took her life.  We’ve learnt to laugh again, and enjoy life, although the past 3 years have not been easy.  We’ve thrown ourselves into hobbies that keep us busy, give us exercise and allows us time alone, as well as mixing and mingling with others.

Some friends have drifted away – perhaps they couldn’t cope with what we were going through. We’ve made new friends who seem to genuinely care for us and are here for us when we have a need.

Our other daughters have gotten on with their lives and we have a grandchild now who continues to be a delight to us.  Still the sadness is with us. Our lost daughter will never marry or give us grandchildren and sometimes we grieve for that.

My father remains free but I have no contact with him or mum.  I do know he’s ill from emphysema(or is it enphacema?) which restricts him from doing much. Good, I hope that means children are now safe if they’re near him, but I doubt it. I hope and pray that there aren’t kids going to their home anymore.  I have warned my mum in the past she shouldn’t be letting this happen. Knowing that all of their children (my sisters, brother and I) have left the state for varying reasons and they only have two grownup grandsons in their state, they are probably feeling very lonely.  Dad should have thought about what the consequences may have been because of his actions.

I hear my friends talk about their elderly parents and the care they give and the love they have for them and sometimes I find it very hard not to cry.  I want very much for my life to be normal and for me to be caring for elderly parents too, but that’s not to be.  We have a huge chasm between us and unless dad can acknowledge what he’s done and ask for forgiveness, then I doubt anything will ever change. If he went to jail now, he’d die in there.

I do not know what I’ll do when the time comes for him to go.  Should I go? Should I be there to support mum?

I know my husband doesn’t want me to go.  I really don’t know how I’m going to feel. Relief? Release? Anger?  Sadness? Grief?  Who knows?  Dad, why did you steal our daughters’ innocence?  And why did you betray our trust in the worst possible way? I have no idea.  I only wish it had never happened, or that my husband and I could have seen all those years ago what was taking place and put a stop to it.

I hope my writings here are helping others in some way, even if just to find out they’re not alone in their grief and sorrow.

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I’ve been watching the Hey Dad! star Robert Hughes story for sometime.  The latest is his daughter coming forward stating her father has always been good to her.

Well, I’d like to add to that equasion. My father was good to me too as I was growing up and I loved him very much.  As did my sisters.  However, that never stopped him from interfering with my daughters and other girls as well. I know he did something to some of my friends only I was too innocent at the time to understand what might have taken place. I look back now at things my friends said to me in my teens and realise that even then dad was exploring boundaries and what he might get away with, while not touching his daughters at all.

Just because a man was good to his immediate family, does not mean that surrounding family members or friends were safe – as Robert Hughes’ niece has shared.

I hope the exposure of this story will encourage others to come forward who have had such events happen in their lives. I know there are girls who my father touched who haven’t come forward and I wish they would.  He deserves to be dealt with accordingly.  It will bring closure to many.  And our daughter might not have died in vain.  At the moment the police can’t do anything unless someone comes forward to tell their story and confirm what we know to be true.

Postnote:  I only post here now when I feel I have something extra to say.  It is now almost 30 months since our daughter died and no more information has come to hand to explain what really happened on that last night of her life.  But now and then we get little tidbits of information shared by others that add another piece to the puzzle.  My father turned 77 today.  I live in another state from him and will probably never see him alive again.  To me, the father I grew up with and loved died years ago and was replaced by a monster and someone I don’t know or understand.  Mum says she doesn’t understand why we persist with our lies but when you’ve been married to someone as long as she has (54 years) I accept she needs to side with her husband.  I sometimes wonder just how much doubt is in the back of her mind.

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Another year has passed. Our life has moved on but the shadow of the death of our daughter and the reasons for it have never left us.

We’ve since found out other information about events that took place a week before she died – I expect we’ll keep finding out things about those last days of her life.

But still the root cause was what happened to her as a child. She never got over it.

Tonight in the news was a report that sex offenders had been allowed to be near, or living with, children over the past few years. Around 700 children were exposed to these offenders.

There are reasons and excuses why this has happened and the police have said ‘sorry’ but it shouldn’t end there.   I don’t know what will transpire and how long this story will remain in the news but I can tell you this:   Long after the story has been allowed to disappear the effects of those children who were abused during the time of this bungle will continue on.

The children may be small now but they will become teenagers and then adults in the years to come.  And then any of the following will happen:

• They may sleep around not caring about themselves or their bodies because they’re already convinced they are worth nothing.
• They may take up drugs or drinking and anything can happen as a result of that – more abuse, prostitution, unwanted pregnancies, illnesses and diseases, fighting, robbery, injuries, death.
• They may play around with the idea of killing themselves for some time – just as our daughter did.
• They might get married or live with someone but end up being an abuser themselves of any children that come into that relationship.
• They could go through several marriages or broken relationships.
• They may become gay or homosexual because they no longer trust the other sex.
• They might or could do anything years after the abuse has occured by a sex offender.

And yet those who have allowed it to happen, because they didn’t take sufficient care, will continue on with their lives completely oblivious to the chaos that has been caused in other people’s lives.

Because when a child has been abused it’s not just their life that is touched and damaged – it’s the lives of their family (and often the extended family too), their friends and anyone at all who has a part in their lives. Many won’t understand why that person (once the young child who was abused) behaves or reacts the way they do.

And it doesn’t stop there. When that young person, now a teenager or adult, chooses to do things that affects their family and friends there’s a ripple that spreads far and wide.  Think of our family and the effects of the death of our daughter (and sister and niece and granddaughter, etc) through suicide because she could no longer cope with what was going on inside her head.

It’s been almost two years and my husband still experiences depression and I do too.  This whole thing has affected our whole family. Another daughter has extreme mood swings and depression, another has blocked memories of her life as a child because of what happened.

Our family will never be normal again and while we have begun to laugh, and enjoy life in many ways, we still have this shadow hanging over us.  Our family has been touched by something no family should ever experience.

By the way – the police STILL have done nothing about my dad and everytime I hear on the news that a new paedophile ring has been smashed my ears prick up to hear if he’s been one of the people caught. I wish he were.

Where does the buck stop?

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It’s nearly a year since our daughter took her life. Nothing has changed. Dad remains free and uncharged but I have heard from my brother that he has become a bitter man. What’s he got to be bitter about? That we say he did what he did? That mum has disowned me and won’t believe me and says we’re lying?  He deserves to lose his family connections.  He betrayed me, his daughter, in the worst possible way.  His promise of loving me and protecting me as I grew up has been thrown away and destroyed.

I’ve lost my parents and my family are split up.  I live in a different state to my sisters and brother and we all live in different states to our parents.  I wonder if somehow that’s because of what’s taken place?  To me it seems like an odd sense of justice.
We did have the police investigating for sometime and tracking down children we know who have stayed overnight at mum and dad’s but no-one has anything to say.  We also got the police to track down an old schoolfriend whom we know always used to come visit our dad when we were young because she had said her dad didn’t understand her.

I look back now and see the clinging this girl did to our dad and wonder why kind of relationship he had with her?  The police have reported back that this now grown woman has little memory of her childhood, presumably blocked because of something that happened between her dad and her.  I can’t help thinking in reality it was because of what my dad may have done to her.  Will we ever know?

My husband goes to counselling regularly, I have been now and then and have female friends I talk to and cry with.  One of our daughters is struggling and has begun to see a counsellor. The others seem to be getting on with their lives and living away from home and not under our roof means they see nothing of what their parents have struggled with.

How I pray for justice for our lost daughter. How much I want my father charged and the sin he’s committed acknowledged and brought out in the open.  Is there no-one who can help us?

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Although dad has no contact with our daughters these days the damage he did all those years ago lingers on.

We’ve now had confirmation that our daughter committed suicide because of what dad did.  She’d shared much more information with her boyfriend of many years than she ever had with anyone else. She refused to go to counselling and said she wouldn’t press charges. How I wish she did.

Dad raped her as a child on more than one occasion but the police can do nothing because the information given by us, or her boyfriend is considered ‘hearsay’.  They need a statement from someone who has been affected by my father so they can question him and charge him, if considered appropriate to do so.  What the ???  Our daughter dies because of what he did to her all those years ago and we can do nothing to get him charged?  Our only hope is if one of our other daughters will agree to speak up or if another child comes forward as he’s sure to have done this to others too. I’ve heard it said they don’t stop, they just keep committing this awful crime.

I’ve since discovered that dad is on Facebook and I have contacted the authorities there to advise them as I can’t see his connections and I have no idea if he’s connected with children or not.

To me, the father I grew up with and loved died many years ago and was replaced with this monster. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him or grieve his death but instead woke up one day to find out he’s been replaced by someone I don’t know.

Currently I’m hoping to find a parent lobby group in Australia that we can join.  There needs to be something done to those pedophiles who escape the system and the punishment they deserve because their actions go undetected for so long and because many are so unwilling to come forward and make statements later in their adult years.  What justice is there for parents of these victims?

How I wish we knew what had taken place whilst our girls were still underage so, as parents, we were in a position to do something about it. Now, as adults, we have to wait for them to come forward and this is why I write anonymously so I don’t expose the anguish, and hurt our girls have suffered in silence until they themselves are ready to go public.

pedophile, incest, child sexual abuse, rape, parent lobby group, sexual abuse victim

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My heart breaks to share this here but our daughter who broke up with her boyfriend last Christmas and had the drinking problem in April is gone.  She took her life in September and left no note, and no indication that anything was wrong.  By all intents and purposes she seemed happy and getting her life on track. She had a great job with excellent pay, was living the corporate life, had lots of friends and a busy social life and was due to fly overseas for a 5 week holiday only a week later.

It has been 3 weeks now and we still don’t know why she did this.  What tipped her over the edge?

Once again my husband and I are going through intense periods of anger (how could she do this to us?, who told her how to do that?  who is responsible?) and extreme grief and pain.  Why didn’t we see any signs?  How could we have stopped this? What did we do wrong?

Whilst we know in our heads the answers to some of these questions our hearts just won’t believe the answers.  We’re told that often those who take this action do not let on and appear happy on the outside to all.

We cannot help but think that the path she took in her early teen years, shortly after learning that what her grandfather did was very wrong, has led to this result with disastrous consequences.  Will we ever feel happy again?  Will life ever feel normal again?  It doesn’t feel like it will.

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I haven’t posted here for some time. It’s never far from my mind but I manage to keep it behind me… most of the time.

Our girls have been getting on with their lives for the most part, but periodically things come out. One has broken up with a boyfriend and we thought that this was at her instigation and she was happy but a few weeks ago she had a night out with workmates, too much to drink, and it all came flooding back to her. She did some things she would never normally do if she was sober – it scared both her father and me. We can thank God that it all turned out ok and she was protected.

Another daughter has gone back to counselling but she doesn’t share what about. Can’t help wondering if it’s all about this. She’s in her mid 20s, never had a boyfriend and her dad is the only male she’ll come close to.  Doing her studies, trying to get work, it’s probably all crowding in on her.

And the third seems happy in her work and social life but won’t let any guys get close. She has a mouth that tends to scare guys off – she can give back as good as they give and lots more. It will have to be a very caring, and patient man who captures her heart. She jokes about it all but underneath I can’t help thinking my father is responsible for this.

Our girls should have had normal happy teenage lives and in regular circumstances they should all have happy relationships too by now. Our other two daughters (one older, one younger) are both married and happy… and were not touched by my father.  Kind of makes you think, doesn’t it?

Recent events with a group I belong to online has indicated someone like my father has been hanging around the group. It immediately conjours up all sorts of ideas and thoughts amongst others as the word gets around and immediately I begin to view every male on the list as suspicious. I know I shouldn’t but can’t help it. It’s the same when I’m out in the street and see older men walking or shuffling along – someone who could be in the same age group as my dad. I wonder if their grandkids were safe with them as my kids should have been with their’s.

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There’s a news report this morning on the radio – it’s not yet showing up in the papers online.  It tells of a counsellor who stood up and spoke of a convicted paedophile as a ‘loving caring man’ in his defense.

The mothers of the victims are insensed and so am I.   I doubt that counselor has any kids of her/his own, and if they do, their children have not been touched by this insidious behaviour.
I’m a mother who has some daughters who have been defiled by my own father.  I had no idea he was like that – he wasn’t when I was a child – at least not to me or my sisters but I have reason to believe he may have been to at least one of my school friends – only I didn’t know it at the time.

These events took place when our children were left in his (and my mother’s) care whilst we were away some time ago.  He has been reported to the police and is being monitored – he lives in another state.

I would say my father is also a loving caring man but that doesn’t mean we agree with what he’s done and that ‘loving and caring’ has been screwed up.  I would never say that in his defense – if he ends up in jail he deserves it.  I don’t want to see my father again – it hurts too much to know that he abused the trust my husband and I had in him and my mum and it has definitely broken our family relationships as a result.

Our girls are growing up and want to put this thing behind them – for that reason I have been careful not to identify who I am or my children. My daughters’ identities should be protected but I felt I should speak out as this is an important issue and not one to be shoved under a carpet somewhere.

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It’s been months since I’ve spoken to dad. I no longer ring their home as I don’t want to get him on the phone but I would like to talk to mum now and then. Instead I write her emails and she writes back. I know dad reads them but at least I don’t have to talk to him. I wouldn’t know what to say anymore and it would just be awkward.

He still insists he’s done nothing wrong but when you have not one, not two, but three daughters who all say the same thing, how can you hold any doubt that what they say is true? When only one was saying it, and she is my step-daughter, I didn’t know what to believe and couldn’t help thinking perhaps she’d mixed up something in her young mind and confused the facts. When her sister later confirmed and gave more details I was faced with the fact that my dad had certainly done something wrong and I had to accept that. And when a third confirmed it, one of my own daughters, I began to see my father as someone I no longer knew, an animal who dared to touch his own granddaughters (step or not) with his fantasies – things that they should never have been included a part of.

The girls are in their 20s now and it happened preteen to all of three of them. There is no way these girls would make up something like this and then carry it on all these years into adulthood. And what my husband and I have read and learnt in the past months is that young children don’t make those things up. How could they possibly know and describe what they had if they hadn’t been introduced to something like that?

I so much want to go back to the way life used to be, when I used to love and adore my father but I’ve lost him and I would much rather it had been through death than through something like this. My heart grieves so much and I still don’t know how to get over it – will I ever?

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Mum’s letters aren’t coming as frequently as they used to. I contacted my brother and one of my sisters to see if they are still getting them – they are. So I have no idea if dad’s stopped sending them to me for mum (as he’s the one that manages the computer and email) or if it’s purely co-incidental and they’ve gotten lost in cyberspace somewhere. I got one a couple of weeks ago but none last weekend again.

My brother rang dad on his birthday but didn’t speak to him for too long and mainly chatted with mum. He says dad sounds bitter now. I suffered a brief moment of guilt and then thought ‘why should I feel that way? It wasn’t me who did the wrong thing’.

How I hate what this has done to my family! My 50th is later this year and whilst I’m planning to have a party mum and dad won’t be invited. That saddens me – I’d like to see mum and make sure she’s ok but I won’t invite them here otherwise some of our daughters won’t want to be here and this is the home they grew up in. I really hate that dad’s done this to our family and I guess he never ever thought of the consequences either when he was having his ‘playtime’. Ughh!

bitter feelings, moment of guilt